hari

Losing the language of love

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Given with love

I’m working through the article that I’ve saved to Pocket over the past few weeks and came across a poignant piece called Losing the Language of Love (Web Archive Link). It’s about how you develop a special dialect when you’re close to someone for a long time, whether it’s a partner, friend or family member, and how it feels when that person is no longer a part of your life anymore.

It reminded me of the almost three and a half years that I spent with Hari, my first girlfriend. Over the years we developed our own dialect between us, much of it derived from gamer speak – we’d call each other ‘noob’ if we did something wrong, or use ‘zomg!’ as an expression of surprise. And, like in most relationships, we had pet names for each other that made no sense to anyone else.

We split up in March 2009. As well as losing a partner, I also lost a reason to use those words – they didn’t really mean anything to anyone else. And I’d feel uncomfortable using them with Christine – after all, I see them as relics from an old relationship that didn’t work out.

But then Christine and I also have our own words. Like most couples, we have our pet names for each other, which in both cases is ‘Squishy‘, because we’re just that sick-inducingly cute. And, by extension, our pet name for our unborn child is ‘the Squishlet’, even though we’ve basically settled upon a name for it based on its presumed gender. Plus, there are other words and phrases that we use that are probably meaningless to others.

When a relationship with someone close to you ends, it isn’t just the physical things that disappear. It’s also the less tangible things like words and phrases, that meant so much to you and your significant other. To others, they are just that – words and phrases with no context.

Five years on

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It’s been five years to the day since Hari and I ended our relationship. Though mostly a mutual agreement that things weren’t working, it was still a very difficult time for me, exacerbated by being unemployed and having recently lost my grandmother. It was pretty much the lowest point of my life so far.

The end of any relationship is hard, but particularly so when the relationship was with someone that you had been with for several years and were living with. The following few weeks were a struggle, not at least because I had to organise moving back home with my parents, cancelling utilities and so on.

Thankfully, things started to turn around soon afterwards, and around 6 weeks later I was back in a job. My friends were brilliantly supportive during that time and helped me greatly. And, later on, I met Christine, to whom I’ve now been married for almost a year now.

Hari has also moved on, and started a relationship with someone around the same time as I met Christine. We’re still in contact over Facebook but have only met in person once since the split, mainly because she now lives in Scotland. I’m sure we’re both happier now, and though it hurt at the time, breaking up was the right thing to do. And, with hindsight, I’m glad we called it quits when we did, rather than trying in vain to revive our relationship.

End of the line

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I’m going to keep this brief, but at the weekend me and Hari made the decision to end our relationship. She’s moving back home to be with her family in the West Midlands, and I’m going to move back to York in a few weeks to stay with my parents while I search for jobs.

We’re hoping to stay friends, but things just weren’t working out between us.

Looking back, looking forward

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In the past I’ve done an end of your quiz (see 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004 and 2003) but I’ve chosen not to do it this year. Instead, I’ve decided to write a brief entry summing up 2008, and what 2009 has in store for me.

2008 has been mostly a consolidation year after the big changes in 2007. Up until mid-December I was working for the university in Bradford, where I saw my contract move from casual work to a salary, my contract extended, and then subsequently finding in November that it wouldn’t be renewed. I had a couple of job interviews which unfortunately proved fruitless (and with hindsight I wouldn’t have wanted one of the jobs anyway) and I’m now currently unemployed.

Hari and I have also had a good year together. We moved in properly in summer 2007 and have been happy together – for the most part at least – in a rented house that we’re sharing. 2007 was our third year together and while we didn’t pass any other major milestones the future looks reasonably bright for the two of us.

Financially things have been a little hard, as almost everything I have earned has been spent on rent, bills, taxes and groceries leaving little left over for luxuries. Thankfully I have some savings and supporting parents so I’m not drowning in debt. This is why, as much as I’d like to buy a new computer, I’m having to hold off until I have more money left at the end of the month.

2009 is looking to be a year of change, maybe more so than 2007 was. I have already got a job interview mid-January and looking for other work as well, but as I’m not limiting myself to the Bradford area it may well mean moving; the job I have an interview for is in Scotland, for example. Hari is still at university and will be there until the end of May, so it may mean living away from her initially. We have agreed that we want to move away from Bradford – I have been here for over 6 years, she has been here for over 4 – and this would be good time to do it.

Provided I find a new job, and one that isn’t fixed-term and has a decent salary, financially we should be somewhat better off than right now, in spite of the current economic climate.

In terms of how the world will be in 2009, we’re at an interesting point in history. America has elected a (comparatively) young, intelligent, charismatic person as its next president, who is currently “talking the talk” when it comes to sorting out the problems in his country and overseas. This year will prove whether he can “walk the walk”, or whether his bark is weaker than his bite, as it where. We, once again, have unrest in the middle east, due to a minority of idiots with weapons throwing weapons at civilians (I’m talking about both sides here); we have the continuing collapse of Zimbabwe, as well as other ongoing problems in other African nations such as Somalia, Sudan and Congo; and of course there’s the world economies which may well get worse before they get better. For world affairs, it will be an interesting year.

Hope you have a good New Year celebration – I’ll be spending it with a few friends in Bradford – and see you in 2009, whatever it may bring.

Hari’s new graphics card

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Hari’s new graphics card has arrived, and so I fitted it earlier today. We went with an Inno3D card based around an nVidia GeForce 7600 GS chipset, since it seemed to represent the best value for money for our budget and was compatible with Hari’s computer – it doesn’t have PCI Express so we needed an AGP card.

As performance goes, the card is an immense improvement. Using World of Warcraft as a benchmark, before, she was getting an average of between 10 and 12 frames per second with all the settings turned down for maximum performance (but low detail). With the new card, she gets a constant 50fps, with many of the enhancements enabled, such as texture detail, terrain distance and spell effects. It looks fantastic, and is very smooth.

This now means that Hari finally has the gaming performance that she’s been wanting for so long, and ends an upgrade process that has seen a new external hard drive, new memory and now a new graphics card. All in all, we’ve spent £220 on new hardware, but seeing as it’ll add value to the computer, and make it less obsolete in future, it should be worth it.

Or, at least, it ends for now. She now wants a new power supply so that her graphics card can run at maximum performance. I think we can pass on that.

Actually, I didn’t realise that the card needs to have a direct connection to the power supply as well as being connected to the motherboard through the AGP socket. I’ll get it sorted soon.

Graphics card recommendations

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It now looks like Hari needs a new graphics card. The extra memory arrived yesterday, as expected, and has made something of a difference to the computer. Switching between World of Warcraft and any other program is instantaneous, whereas it used to take several seconds and result in considerable hard disk noise (presumably Windows swapping data between physical and virtual memory). Plus, aspects of Warcraft, such as navigating around cities and instances is noticeably smoother. But there’s no real improvement to the number of frames per second it can manage during general play. Which was one of the main aims of the upgrade – the other being preparation for the eventual installation of Windows Vista.

Having looked at the recommended requirements of World of Warcraft, it looks like it’s Hari’s graphics card which is to blame. She has a card based around the nVidia GeForce 5200 FX chipset, with 128 MB of graphic memory. It’s not a bad card, but it’s likely to be missing some of the advanced features which more modern cards have, which in turn puts more pressure on the CPU and slows the whole computer down.

Overall, her computer spec is as follows:

  • 2.80 GHz Pentium 4 processor
  • 80 GB hard drive, with an additional 80 GB external hard disk
  • 2 GB of Corsair memory
  • 128 MB nVidia GeForce FX 5200 graphics card
  • Windows XP Home Edition SP2

(plus all of the usual gubbins like a DVD rewriter and Ethernet)

The processor should be fine – World of Warcraft only requires a good 800MHz processor and recommends 1.5 GHz. Furthermore, CPU usage is relatively good – we ran Task Manager last night while she was playing and it rarely went over 80%, averaging about 50% – if it was close to 100% a lot then I’d be more worried. We can’t fit any more RAM as 2 GB is the maximum it can take, but judging by our experiences with the new RAM so far adding even more wouldn’t have made much difference. The internal hard disk should also be fine as it has plenty of free space (though it may need defragmenting, I can’t see it making a huge difference).

Software-wise I have done almost all I can. Though Hari is not a computing student, she is very computer literate and knows the risks of viruses and spyware and so she has AVG and Windows Defender running (as well as Spybot and Ad-Aware). There’s very few background applications running, and even if they were, they’d be using RAM and CPU which we know aren’t issues.

Which leads me to the conclusion that the graphics card is the weakest link. I’ve upgraded it to the latest Forceware drivers, but I honestly don’t think it has made a difference to performance. If we’re going to get decent Warcraft performance, it will probably need to be replaced.

Whatever the replacement is, the main limitations will be that it has to be AGP – the motherboard does not support PCI Express – and that it only takes up one slot as the computer has a small form factor case. Though there is space for a card which takes up the equivalent of two slots, it would render the only PCI slot useless – admittedly it is empty now but it could be used for something in the future.

You may wonder why we’re spending all this money on an old machine – after all, we could probably get a new one for the money spent so far (about £150). But there’s not much fundamentally wrong with the core components, and a few upgrades should make it very powerful. I also doubt that the money would get a computer designed for the uses it would get, i.e. gaming.

It’s unlikely that we will buying a new graphics card just yet – it’s likely to be later in the yeah when Hari has some more money. But I’d like to know if you all think I’m right with diagnosing the problem, and if you have any recommendations for good graphics cards, preferably ones under £75.

Memory upgrade question

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Here’s a question for all you memory techie nerd people out there:

Given the choice, would you go for Crucial memory, or Corsair Value Select memory?

The reason why I am asking is that I’m finally getting around to upgrading Hari’s computer, now that memory prices have fallen far enough for it be a little over £100 for a full 2 GB of RAM. Crucial have the memory she needs at £108, but they’re currently out of stock and there’s no indication as to when they’ll get stock back in. Scan, on the other hand, has Corsair Value Select memory available now for £107 including delivery.

Obviously the two cost the same so price isn’t an issue, but should I wait and buy Crucial memory, or get Corsair memory now? The fact that it is ‘value select’ seems to imply that it might not be as good as Crucial’s memory but I have no idea whether this is actually the case; all I know is that Crucial and Corsair are good brands.

Obviously it would be nice if she could afford high quality gaming memory but this is about the best we can do for now. Any thoughts are welcome.